And G-d Answered Me

The responsibility of naming a child has always felt really big to me.
This is the name that is going to represent the child and how they’re going to be known.
I want to get it right, but what the hell do I know ?

When I gave birth to our daughter we were sitting in the hospital together going through our options before @ezwass went to officially name her. We knew Leah would be part of the name, after @ezwass grandmother and my great grandmother, and we were trying to figure out the first name.
I wanted Ilana. I thought it was really pretty and feminine but @ezwass wasn’t connecting to Ilana.
He kept asking me, “What’s the meaning of Ilana? It means a tree, how does that connect to us?”
( If @ezwass knew I would one day give myself the title of #crazyplantlady, maybe he would have felt differently. )
And I just kept answering him, very slowly like when trying to convince a toddler to share a cookie with you, “because I like it.”

“What about Eliana? Eliana means G-d answered me.”
And I looked at him and thought, how did you know?

Here I am at the age of 25 years old, two and a half years after getting divorced with the belief that failure was my path in life. I remember being 22 years old, separated at the time, crying to myself and to G-d, asking for peace. I was asking for the better end of this experience because I was too young and insecure to handle what this meant for me. I felt unworthy and craved acceptance. My solution at the time was to hide. I thought hiding would make it go away, but it was all still there to greet me when I showed myself again.
Now it’s two and a half years later and I’m holding a baby girl. I didn’t think it was possible for me to produce anything female after growing up with 6 brothers.
Here I am, at 25 years old, after getting divorced, after hiding myself, after starting to find myself, holding my baby girl, sitting next to the man I love, feeling accepted.
If G-d could speak, it felt like He had spoken and He answered me. He answered me through @ezwass.

Today Eliana Leah is 9 years old. (kah)

I spent the week preparing for her birthday. Naturally I asked @dlnew to bake a cake because my mother gave me many skills but cooking is most definitely not one of them #loveyouingrid.
After asking @dlnew to bake a cake, these are the type of questions I asked her.

What is icing? What is frosting? Why do we need both? What are we using it for? Does it make sense for the frosting to be watery? I bought the frosting but it’s not kosher, do they make kosher frosting?
Are you making a cake or a cookie ? It turns out, she made a cake made out of a giant cookie and I am very grateful.
I tried making it easier for myself by ordering most of what I needed through instacart and instead received a lot of ‘replacement items’ which needed to be returned. So my intention for convenience turned into me standing in line by publix watching a stranger take her unwashed finger and pick something out of her teeth, all while wearing a mask.
It’s definitely safer to stay home.

Happy Birthday my first child, I love you.

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